You need to learn to be kind in a smart fashion. 

​ 

Once I was beautiful. Now, I am myself.

Hello all, 


I believe it is about time I write about the things I’ve learnt/am still learning that are proving to be more and more valuable after each passing day. Here’s one of the many lessons –


The foremost question you need to ask yourself is whether you are truly happy in your relationship/friendship or are you just compromising & pretending to be so only cause you are afraid to lose that tether in your life? 

 

I can speak with experience that, sometimes we simply remain in abusive relationships (both romantic & platonic) because we are TOO afraid to let go. This reason might sound like a cliché or an overused statement,  but it is the bottom line truth. We put up with the shit that people throw our way because we are raised to be kind to everyone – despite of their erratic behaviour towards us. There is nothing wrong with being kind, in fact, it is one of the important virtue we as a generation need to preserve as hatred is so prominent in our surroundings this moment. 

But, a thought is continually buzzing in my idea for a while now which I might as well acknowledge right away. 

NEWS FLASH: YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE KIND TO THE PEOPLE WHO ABUSE YOU MENTALLY/PHYSICALLY /EMOTIONALLY/SEXUALLY.  ABUSE IS WRONG. BY BEING WITH AN ABUSER YOU ARE SIMPLY ENABLING THEM.


It took me 6 years to realize that the person I was so hopelessly in love with was abusing my emotions without any regret and I was blinded by my affection and passion towards him to leave. You know why that happened?  It happened because I thought I was being the kinder person in the relationship. I believed I must be the one to raise above the hate and forgive his mean remarks. Guess what though? Life doesn’t generally work that way. You can’t go on forgiving someone and taking them back as an act of  kindness. It will only destroy you. Yes, it is  harsh, but honest. 

You need to wake up from your dream and see the people in your life for who they actually are and what are they bringing into your life. If all they’re managing to squeeze through you are more tears than smile, more heartache than love,  more anxiety than peace, then you simply need to cut them off from your life, unapologetically. You are not a bad person if you worry about yourself. I believe that’s the most important part one has to realize.

You’re not going to be true to yourself if you choose to be kind to the people who are continually bringing out the worst in you.  This is the hardest yet  most valuable lesson I’ve come to learn lately. 

I advocate all the empathetic, kind and generous people employ boundaries in life to a certain degree to keep your well being in check. I really hate to say this, but it is sometimes the people we thought who could never do us a bad thing are actually the ones doing worse to us. Hence, keep your emotional boundaries in check. Do not allow anybody to exploit your kindness by manipulating you. One has to learn to be  kind in a  smart way.

We are okay by Nina LaCour – A scintillating read!

You go through life thinking there’s so much you need…

Until you leave with only your phone, your wallet, and a picture of your mother.
Marin hasn’t spoken to anyone from her old life since the day she left everything behind. No one knows the truth about those final weeks. Not even her best friend, Mabel. But even thousands of miles away from the California coast, at college in New York, Marin still feels the pull of the life and tragedy she’s tried to outrun. Now, months later, alone in an emptied dorm for winter break, Marin waits. Mabel is coming to visit, and Marin will be forced to face everything that’s been left unsaid and finally confront the loneliness that has made a home in her heart.

– Book Blurb taken from Goodreads

My Review: 

I was fishing out for a good book on Goodreads for quite some time, but whatever I found prior to We Are Okay was either too boring or uninspiring for my brain buds. I was almost dejected and resolved on taking a hiatus from reading and then voila! I found “We are Okay” by Nina LaCour 😀
Firstly, the main thing that seized my attention regarding this book was obviously its cover – so gorgeous!  And, it’s not just a pretty book I tell you, it has so much to offer to the readers in terms of content in easy and simple words that can be easily comprehended by anybody. The story is masterfully interwoven with poetic semblance and brilliant insight with regard to human reaction to loss and pain that you cannot help but applaud the author for her thoughts. This was my first from Nina LaCour, but decidedly not my last! I will definitely be looking for  more of what she has to offer ’cause boy is she a wordsmith and how! You just have to read it to believe it. 

When it came to the plot, it actually added up as a pleasant surprise to me when it started playing out as it did ’cause I absolutely didn’t expect of what the author really had in mind and where she was going with this novel. Hence, it was better than my expectations!  Both, Marin and Mabel will touch your heart within the short duration of time you are going to pass with them. They’re so adorable, like, genuinely. The character development is excellent and gripping which drives the total plot. 

All in all, it is a scintillating tale of Marin and Mabel as they both discern their opinions of life and loss. I hope you relish it as much as I did! 

I highly recommend to this book if you are going through a phase of pain and loss in life. 

🌹 Happy reading 🌹

Favorite quotations from the book- 

  • I must have shut grief out. Found it in books. Cried over fiction instead of the truth. The truth was unconfined, unadorned. There was no poetic language to it, no yellow butterflies, no epic floods. There wasn’t a town trapped underwater or generations of men with the same name destined to repeat the same mistakes. The truth was vast enough to drown in.- Nina LaCour
  • The most innocent things can call back the most terrible.
  • “I do not mean the difficulty. I do not mean the sex. I mean there are too many failings. Not enough hope. Everything is despair. Everything is suffering. What I mean is don’t be a person who seeks out grief. There is enough of that in life.” – Nina Lacour

Be firm; Say No to Toxicity 

When all you gave was love 
And all you received in return was indifference 
When your thoughts become foggy
And your judgment’s become cloudy
You wonder,
Though you know they’re toxic
And even so, you still run towards them like they’re your air, so essential and like a need so basic
It is time now, tune up your standards, girl
If the sole thing they’re bringing is disdain,
Hurl ’em out, girl
Open the screens on your eyes and lower that rose tinted glass,
You’ll find out for yourself that they’ve always been nothing, but only unworthy and crass.
And, finally the truth will set you free.
You’ll taste freedom, that’s your only key.

 

Until you happened 

​I didn’t know that the pain of this intensity even existed, until you happened 
I didn’t know that sometimes a simple act sleeping peacefully could be such a task, until you happened 
I didn’t know that sometimes, I was more afraid of myself than anyone else, until you happened 
I didn’t know that sometimes all the easy things would be a chore that is until you happened 
You reduced your best friend/confidant/supporter to mere acts of pleasure 
Left without with providing a closure 
Can you sleep knowing you just murdered someone emotionally? 
You used your words to cut me precisely and oh so brutally 
Just remember guilt is a slow poison 
When it will come to you, there isn’t nothing beautiful about that sensation 
At least I’m broken and can be fixed
What about you? 
All you’ll ever be is a living dead

Overcoming obsessive thoughts and moving on


I woke up in the morning and honestly I wasn’t feeling so great. 😡 Then I immediately switched to YouTube and saw a couple of videos over there about how to overcome a nagging feeling you have at the back of your mind about someone you’ve lost – in terms of relationship or death. 


What I’ve learnt from watching different videos and summed up is that when we lose someone we also lose the connection, attachment, warmth and love we’ve associated with that person. So, after that loss occurs our brain enters into a loop where we have these constant thoughts/obsession with respect to that person. It is like our brain is repeatedly making us realise about our loss. We become hyper aware of everything that’s happening to that person. Forming our own theories about their life and dwelling on it. Although it is exhausting, it is quite a natural response to a loss and it is a form of trauma called as intrusion – where we feel like we are constantly preoccupied by the thoughts of that person. It is natural and can be overcome. From today, I am going to try and beat those obsessive thoughts and I’ll explain how – 

  • When you wake up in the morning the thoughts are more persistent and the loss seems more greater.Allow yourself to take some time and recognize that it is a part of how you feel. As the day escalates, you’ll start getting more perspective and don’t feel as incredibly sad.
  • Everytime you feel like making assumptions about that person and their emotions, just ask yourself – is what I’m assuming  100% right? Afterall they’re just assumptions. 
  • Everytime you have a thought about that person try to think about something else! Silly even, I know it is extremely hard to NOT THINK ABOUT THEM but you gotta break the pattern over and over again.
  • You will feel longing for that person and start thinking about all those good memories you had together etc and desire to reconnect. DON’T. JUST DON’T. Because no matter how good the relationship /friendship was if you are at this phase in your life because of it then it wasn’t the right relationship for both of you. 
  • Don’t go back to someone who once broke you. Your illusion will trick you into believing that they might not be so bad afterall. But, it is an illusion. You don’t have to back to someone who didn’t see your value or respected you.
  • There might be strong urges to check up on them and their life, through online stalking or scooping information from friends. Don’t. That’s not good for you, and during healing your primary intention is to do things that are good for you. Take the right decisions not the appealing ones.
  • Whoever they end up with, do not compare yourself to them because that’s just super, super unfair because duh!  You have certain qualities that others can never have! 
  • I also read somewhere that to overcome pain you need to find something thats bigger than you. To me, I’ll take to writing. I’ll write about my journey and my experiences through this phase and share it with the world. Discuss it and overcome it one day at a time.


These are couple of my techniques Im gonna try and help myself with. Do you have more?  How had you dealt with having obsessive thoughts regarding someone / situation?  Please feel free to comment or write me on mail – anaida39@gmail.com
Thank you!