In my pain, I have become more perspective of the life I am living. Until quite a few days ago, my life was in a rhythm. I used to wake up and do things I was doing for a long time – basically just dancing to the distortion. I felt that the life I was living was okay if not great. Suddenly, after the break up, my life did a 180 and all my previous patterns of doing things, feeling things changed or I needed to change them in order to accommodate the place for a new me.
Earlier, my life was predictable and I was comfortable living it. Somehow, even the older pain was within my comfort zone. Now, it feels as though that I’ve been ripped from my comfort zone – my old thoughts, my old lifestyle, my old habits and my old self. I’m not going to lie here, it is difficult. Really difficult. To change patterns and habits of the past. To let go of a relationship – even though it was a painful one because I was accustomed to its familiarity. I knew what I could expect from him, it was mostly hurt but, still it was solid.
But, is solid always good? No, it is not.
Do you think that just because you’re doing something from a really, really long time it becomes good? It does not.
I’m beginning to realize that patterns that have been formed from a long, long time need to be broken, no matter how painful it gets (ask me!)
In order to grow, you must break free from the familiar.Tread new waters. Experiment.Break old cycles. Say bye bye to things that no longer serve you. I think, this is the only way how you get to grow in life.
There will always be people who will support you through this phase. Your family is not going to abandon you. Your mom is your biggest cheerleader and with her by your side you’ll take over the world. I honestly don’t know if I could have dealt with this massive heartbreak without the support from my mom. One day, I’ll thank her by showing her how strong her daughter is. I won’t let her down.
Now, I am only fortified with patience and faith that, someday, somehow I’ll be a better me.
It is a journey. I hope to reach my destination smiling, one day.
If you have read my last post, you know that I have just ended my very long emotionally abusive relationship. Today, I learned that the guy I was in a relationship and his parents have arranged his marriage to someone else. Just because I ended that relationship doesn’t mean that I can suddenly switch off all my emotions that I had felt for him. I am devastated and my anxiety has its roof, yet I want to write this blog post you will know why shortly.
I have caved in for a long time. I am tired of being weak. I am tired of letting his actions control me. I want to change my thought process and my style of living. I want to be a better person, a stronger, a more mature and one who has more tolerance to pain. I simply cannot live my life if I keep thinking about him, his marriage, his wife, his parents and his life.
This life is supposed to be about me, right? It is supposed to be about my career, my love interest, my parents and my health. I have wasted so much of my time on this guy’s life that I had started believing that somehow his actions controlled my peace of mind. I want to be my own person. I want to have my own dreams, my goals and think about any guy I am going to meet in future.
So, from today I am going to begin my own healing process. I am not in a state of mind to do anything right now but weep and weep, but I will not allow myself to do that. Did that enough already. So bloggers, cheer for your friend, I need all the support in the world right now! Writing this not easy but I am trying, really hard.
My motto for this week is – I AM IMPORTANT.
MY FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT.
I WILL NOT LET OTHERS CONTROL MY PEACE OF MIND.
I will keep you updated about my healing daily. Hopefully, I can achieve healing with the support my family and you people after gaining a bit of perspective. Wish me luck!
THIS GIRL IS ABOUT TO CHANGE HER LIFE.
I never imagined that I would be the one someday who would write a post on narcissist abuse. Reading posts about it on various platforms and empathizing with other survivors; reading about their trial and tribulations, it never occurred to me that I was an active victim of the evil narcissist abuse from 6 years until yesterday.
I was in love with a narcissist. Madly, truly, deeply or you can say foolishly, desperately and in a mentally wrecked kind of a way.
Where should I even begin to describe my despair? I can remember it from as long as I turned 16-17. I had an insane crush on him, he picked up on that and then began my journey of 6 years of emotional trauma. Initially, I never came to realize it, because I had my rose tinted glasses on, due to which I completely overlooked his obvious mistakes.
To him, my pain didn’t matter. My health didn’t matter. My state of mind did not matter. My feelings were not validated and blatantly ignored. Now, when I think of it, he was never around when I needed someone to talk to – he always had the classic narcissist excuse such as – I had a shitty week.I had a bad day at work. I was manipulated into believing that somehow his life and his problems were more important, credible and needed more attention than mine. I provided him that constant narcissist supply of affection and care that he craved for. Later, he wanted more of that and I was beginning to be exhausted which led to lots of arguments and fights and numerous breakups. I tried a lot to leave him FOR GOOD. Every time I made a move to move on, he was back again, with innocent text messages of how much he missed and adored me. I foolishly bought that bullshit because I thought I could help him and heal him. He always played the sick card, the victim card to allure me. He wove stories about how the world had wronged him and I was there trying to right all the wrongs, but as goes with any narcissist relationship, my empathy was futile. A narcissist’s need for love is insatiable and they always portray themselves as the weak one, the abused and they will never realize that it is actually the other way round.
He hid things from me and portrayed that I was incapable of handling that particular news at the moment. He made it appear as though that it was my fault that he had to hide important information from me. He never apologized, ever. He just brushed it off like it was nothing. I was angry, exhausted and my self-worth was already diminishing, thus the time came around where I had to stand up for myself. The time is now.
I never assumed him to be narcissist until yesterday where I accidently read a post on “narcissist abuse survivors” and he was the textbook definition of a covert narcissist and now I am attempting to heal this trauma by sharing my experience.
It is not easy. Definitely, not how you heal from a normal break-up. In a narcissist relationship, you are in love with an illusion and a projection of the person, not the real one. There is no sense of reality in such a relationship, the only real thing going on there is ABUSE AND NOTHING ELSE. They manipulate your trust, your kindness, and your love to get their fix. It feels as though you are pouring your love into a seemingly bottomless tumbler. It will never be enough. To them, you will never be enough.
I am having really rough phase right now due to all the anxiety, remorse, betrayal because he was my first true love. I adored him. I wanted him to be better. I wanted us to be happy. It is devastating to learn some truths in life. Hopefully, I will learn from this experience and take back an important lesson for my future self.
Until then, I’ve got lots of healing to do and probably write more posts on this issue and my experience with it.
If you pause and observe a little, then you can see how many different sets of opinions people have framed about you over time. It is almost baffling how contradicting those opinions can be. Some may think that you’re such a crazy and cold hearted bitch while others may view you as a meek mouse who can’t do a thing on your own! How insane is that, anyway? Perhaps it is because we leave different impressions on different people when we meet them which leads them to make an opinion of us which is natural.
In a world where so many people are trying to tell you who you are and what abilities you possess and each of the opinion being polar opposite to the other, tell me which one are you going to use to define yourself? The one your friend told you in the party other day or the one your family members kept telling while you were busy taking that penultimate selfie at your cousin’s wedding?!
Suddenly you sense yourself to be discombobulated and overwhelmed by all these definitions people have made about you and then begins the identity crisis – WHO THE HELL I’M I?
The answer is: You’re everything who is capable of doing anything.
That my friend is the only truth you need to know while they attempt to feed your system with shit. Definitions are limiting and hence are the labels. Who says you can’t do anything you’ve put your mind to? Which force in the universe is stronger than your determination? There’s no such force which can trump the determination and dedication of a soul.
So please stop letting them have a say in who you are, as it is most definitely not their job or their place, it is YOURS. Please stop accepting everything they throw your way so easily – it is not a fact, just another perception that is all. You are a part of this vast universe with infinite possibilities to be whoever you want to be at whatever point of your life. Recognize that power within you and let no one trick you into believing that you can’t do something.
Lately I’ve been writing a lot and sharing a lot of my thoughts with the internet as well. It is because I’m trying to channel my emotions and energies into something fruitful so that anybody who’s fighting the same battles as me doesn’t feel alone. Let us restore hope.
We’re in this together, people! 💖