I never imagined that I would be the one someday who would write a post on narcissist abuse. Reading posts about it on various platforms and empathizing with other survivors; reading about their trial and tribulations, it never occurred to me that I was an active victim of the evil narcissist abuse from 6 years until yesterday.
I was in love with a narcissist. Madly, truly, deeply or you can say foolishly, desperately and in a mentally wrecked kind of a way.
Where should I even begin to describe my despair? I can remember it from as long as I turned 16-17. I had an insane crush on him, he picked up on that and then began my journey of 6 years of emotional trauma. Initially, I never came to realize it, because I had my rose tinted glasses on, due to which I completely overlooked his obvious mistakes.
To him, my pain didn’t matter. My health didn’t matter. My state of mind did not matter. My feelings were not validated and blatantly ignored. Now, when I think of it, he was never around when I needed someone to talk to – he always had the classic narcissist excuse such as – I had a shitty week.I had a bad day at work. I was manipulated into believing that somehow his life and his problems were more important, credible and needed more attention than mine. I provided him that constant narcissist supply of affection and care that he craved for. Later, he wanted more of that and I was beginning to be exhausted which led to lots of arguments and fights and numerous breakups. I tried a lot to leave him FOR GOOD. Every time I made a move to move on, he was back again, with innocent text messages of how much he missed and adored me. I foolishly bought that bullshit because I thought I could help him and heal him. He always played the sick card, the victim card to allure me. He wove stories about how the world had wronged him and I was there trying to right all the wrongs, but as goes with any narcissist relationship, my empathy was futile. A narcissist’s need for love is insatiable and they always portray themselves as the weak one, the abused and they will never realize that it is actually the other way round.
He hid things from me and portrayed that I was incapable of handling that particular news at the moment. He made it appear as though that it was my fault that he had to hide important information from me. He never apologized, ever. He just brushed it off like it was nothing. I was angry, exhausted and my self-worth was already diminishing, thus the time came around where I had to stand up for myself. The time is now.
I never assumed him to be narcissist until yesterday where I accidently read a post on “narcissist abuse survivors” and he was the textbook definition of a covert narcissist and now I am attempting to heal this trauma by sharing my experience.
It is not easy. Definitely, not how you heal from a normal break-up. In a narcissist relationship, you are in love with an illusion and a projection of the person, not the real one. There is no sense of reality in such a relationship, the only real thing going on there is ABUSE AND NOTHING ELSE. They manipulate your trust, your kindness, and your love to get their fix. It feels as though you are pouring your love into a seemingly bottomless tumbler. It will never be enough. To them, you will never be enough.
I am having really rough phase right now due to all the anxiety, remorse, betrayal because he was my first true love. I adored him. I wanted him to be better. I wanted us to be happy. It is devastating to learn some truths in life. Hopefully, I will learn from this experience and take back an important lesson for my future self.
Until then, I’ve got lots of healing to do and probably write more posts on this issue and my experience with it.